


There's no time for us, there's no place for us

by Reading_By_Torchlight



Series: Found family [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: (there's some fluff in the beginning if you squint), Angst, Betrayal, Death, Friendship, Gen, Platonic Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-21
Updated: 2019-02-21
Packaged: 2019-11-01 21:12:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17874935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reading_By_Torchlight/pseuds/Reading_By_Torchlight
Summary: late October 1981. The marauders and Lily meet to plan Sirius's birthday. Little do they know that by the time his birthday Comes round, two of them will be dead, one of them will have betrayed them, one of them will be imprisoned innocently and one of them will be left on his own.In hindsight, Sirius could have slapped himself for leaving. For leaving without hugging James and Lily and telling them how much they meant to him, without saying thank you to James for saving his life over and over again, for being a brother when he’d had no family left, for everything he’d ever done for him. He’d have told Harry how much he was loved, how much he’d always care about him. There was so much that Sirius would have done if he had known what was to come – but he didn’t know and so he slammed the Potters’ door shut angrily and made for his flat.





	There's no time for us, there's no place for us

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone,  
> I found this on my laptop and thought I'd share it with you folks :) Hope you enjoy!  
> (Also, seeing as this is a few years old, there are some mistakes with the whole Secret Keeper Situation...sorry)
> 
> The title is from Queen's Who Wants to Live Forever obviously bc I've always had this hc of Sirius being a huge Queenie :D

28th of October 1981

The cups fell to the floor with a loud thud, startling both the house cat and the curly-haired lad who had been carrying the tea tray.

“Merlin’s saggy balls!” screamed the young man in a shrieking voice about an octave higher than usual, jumping onto the couch hurriedly. In a rather usual attempt to cool himself down he pulled off his shirt.

“I’m dying! I’m dying! It’s burnt my skin!” he continued, seeming not to hear the laughter from around him.

“Sirius, sit!” Remus managed to choke out between fits of laughter, finally looking up from his book. He threw back his head as he started to cackle yet again, his honey blond hair flying backwards. He almost choked on a bite of the chocolate bar he was chewing on and Peter had to hit him on the back a few good times before Remus could breathe normally again.

Sirius gave Remus a half annoyed look but couldn’t help his dog instincts and obeyed, jumping off the sofa and sitting down on the floor in front of it.

“Merlin, Paddy”, you’re _such_ a drama queen” giggled James, who had left his arm chair to join his best friend on the carpet floor. Sirius had crossed his arms in front of his chest.

“But it could have burnt me for real though”, he said in a small, stubborn voice.

“Those were just a few drops”, said Remus, rolling his eyes but smiling fondly at a sulking Sirius from across the coffee table.

Lily, who had been kneeling on the floor, trying to gather the broken pieces of porcelain with flicks of her wand, stood up and looked down at Sirius from underneath her dark red locks, seemingly amused.

“Besides, Sirius, the water didn’t even touch your chest. You were just looking for a reason to show off your non-existent six pack!” she chuckled.

“Non-existent?!” Sirius looked at her, trying to sound offended. “Mrs Potter, I _do_ beg your pardon…”

Lily giggled and handed a sandwich to each of the boys, except for her husband who grabbed four sandwiches when it was his turn (“One sandwich?! Do you want me to starve, love? See, Wormy, that’s why I’m so stick thin, I never get _anything_ to eat!”).

She ruffled his hair fondly and made her way to the kitchen.

“I’ll get some new tea, lads…a certain someone’s spilled all the water, you know…Peter, will you help me carry the tray this time?”, she said, looking back around the corner into the living room. “I think you’re the only one here in this room capable of completing such a difficult task at the moment…”

Peter jumped up to his feet and with a look to the others, they left the room, chuckling.

James, Sirius and Remus really didn’t seem like they could have managed to carry that tray: They were laughing their wands off, choking on their sandwiches and barely managing to breathe properly because Remus, good old Remus, wouldn’t close his book to eat and so mindlessly started throwing pieces of cucumber butty over his shoulder, staining both his jumper and the back of his chair, only stopping when he realised that he was the reason for Sirius and James’ laughter. He looked around a little disoriented, trying to figure out where the food had gone (because he had a strong feeling he hadn’t eaten it) before starting to giggle himself.

When they had calmed down a little, Sirius reached over the coffee table and held up the book cover.

“William Shake…speare…?” he said questioningly. “…Never heard of him.”

“Pad, you uncultivated hippogriff!“ Remus said indignantly. “He was the most famous Muggle poet _ever_!”

Sirius shrugged: “You know, I didn’t exactly learn lot about Muggle poetry from my parents.”

“But Paddy, Shakespeare? Honestly? How can you not know about Shakespeare?”, giggled James, munching on his third sandwich.

Sirius had turned away from him in mock-anger.

“Honestly, mate?” James said, raising an eyebrow over the brim of his glasses. “You’re not really still mad at me for calling you a drama queen ten minutes ago?”

Remus had drawn out another bar of chocolate out of his back pack and sat in his chair, his legs dangling from one armrest, his back resting against the other one.

“You know, Pads” he grinned, trying to turn a page of _Hamlet_ without getting chocolate all over the paper. “You’re just proving his point…”

James threw his arms theatrically around Sirius’ neck and fluttered his eyelashes at him Hollywood-style.

“ _Pleeeaaase_ , Paddy! Don’t be madfoot!”

Sirius rolled his eyes and tried his hardest to keep up his poker face but couldn’t help the corners of his mouth wander up to a grin.

James, seemingly content to have achieved what he wanted, turned his full attention to his last sandwich.

Sirius looked at Remus, who was grinning into his book and James, who was already eyeing the plate for another piece of bread, and thought about how long they hadn’t sat together like this, sharing a laugh like old times. It had been awfully long and he’d missed it. He’d missed it so much. Not that they’d had a lot to laugh about since leaving school. It really wasn’t ideal, their situation right now. Remus was constantly being sent to foreign countries, officially to do some secret work for the Order but Sirius, James and Peter knew only too well that the Order’s chair people sent Remus there for his own safety. Sirius didn’t want to imagine what people like his biological parents would do if they got a hold of Remus, let alone hard core death eaters…

When he looked up at Remus again, his heart skipped a beat. He looked shabbier than he had the last time they had seen each other before Remus had left for his work for the Order in Romania. A new scar adorned his face, filling its place on the little unscarred patch of skin he’d had left on his cheek. He was paler and dark ashen shadows lay in big circles underneath his eyes. When he turned to James, Sirius realised that James had seen the new scar, too. Looking at him, Sirius could not only see James’ worry but also his own, reflected in the glasses of James’ huge rectangular spectacles.

James’ situation wasn’t too jolly either. He seemed to become more and more claustrophobic, the longer he had to stay in Lily and his house. Upon entering their home, Sirius had caught him mooching about the living room. Sirius knew that James felt trapped – and in a way he really was. It had been forever since the three of them, Lily, Harry and James, had last been outside. He was sure that there were days where James thought of just taking his broomstick and flying out the window. He was also sure, that if it weren’t for Lily and Harry’s safety and the marauders’ worrying, James would have done exactly that months ago already.

As for Peter, nobody really knew where the lad hung around these days. Sirius only ever saw him at the occasional Order meeting. He’d seemed rather distant and silent for some time and it reminded Sirius of when they had first met on the Hogwarts Express ten years ago. But Sirius didn’t read that much into it; everyone’s faces had gotten so much more mournful and bitter.

Startled by the clattering noise of a tray being put onto the table, Sirius looked up.

“All right, lads! Although I’m really happy to see you and all, we didn’t meet for a chat, right? We’re here to discuss serious business!” Lily said, standing at the end of the table while Peter sat down besides Remus.

“That’s right!“ James shouted happily and all the worry in his voice vanished. “’Sirius’-business!”

Sirius turned and raised an eyebrow at James: “’Sirius’-business?! Come on, Prongs, that’s low. Even by your standards”

“Shush!” Lily hushed him determinedly, kneeling down and looking at him sternly.

“Merlin, Lily! Looking that stern you make for a bloody perfect McGonnagall!” Sirius giggled.

“Says the one who keeps his hair in a bun that could keep up with hers no biggie…” muttered Remus audibly.

“Ha-ha. How terribly funny you are, Moony”, answered Sirius dryly.

“Sirius, could you _please_ sort out your domestics with Remus later? I’m trying to get work done here”, she said but grinned at the boys.

“Good. All right, as I said: We’re discussing serious business. Sirius is turning 22 in six days, on the 3rd of November!” she continued. “I know we can’t throw a big party but we’ll try our best to get together a few people from the Order. Sooo, any ideas?”

“Lils, I told you I don’t want a party this year. Look at everything that’s going on…”, Sirius said.

“Sirius Orion Black!” Lily said and saw Sirius flinch at the use of his detested last name. “I’ve been looking forward to planning your birthday since forever. It’s the only bloody thing I can occupy myself with! I’m not letting you take away the only nice time I’ll be able to enjoy with my friends in Merlin-knows-how-long. You’re having a birthday party, whether you want one or not!”

“All right, all right, Mrs P.”, Sirius grinned. “But then I want to celebrate here. If I have to have a party, I want you, Prongsie and Prongslet with me, too.”

“Sirius, we’ve talked about that: You’re not calling your godson Prongslet!” Remus said, burying his face in his hand. In response, Sirius let out an angry bark, making everybody laugh, except for Peter.

“Come on, Wormy. You’ve barely said a word ever since you’ve come here. What’s wrong?” James asked, back to his role as the ‘Mum friend’ of the group.

“I…James, I…”, Peter had sunken against the chair feet he was sat against and kneaded his chubby hands nervously.  “It’s nothing…”

“Doesn’t look like nothing to me”, said Remus, slipping over to him, whilst Lily poured Peter a cup of tea and handed it over to him.

“I…James, Lily, I…I need…need to tell you something”, he said silently, looking at his tea as if he’d find the strength to tell them whatever he was hiding on the bottom of his cup. Sirius could have sworn that a sense of guilt lay in Peter’s voice. “I …was visiting my Mum…and she’s not feeling too well. The healer says, she might not have much time left”

James, Remus and Lily seemed to be completely aghast after hearing the news. After all, Mrs Pettigrew was a lovely woman who would give Remus some of her home-brewed healing potions for his scars. But to Sirius, there seemed to be something terribly off. He didn’t believe that the news of his mother’s illness were what made him act so quietly, almost guiltily. He also didn’t believe that this had been what Peter wanted to tell Lily and James. _At all._ He could have slapped himself  for thinking like that about one of his best friends and wanted to wipe the thought out of his mind. But still, Sirius thought. There was something wrong. Terribly, terribly wrong.

It was then that they were startled by the sounds of a bitterly weeping baby.

“I’ll go get him”, said James and got to his feet. When he entered the room again with a little bundle in his arms, all wrapped up in a blanket with little snitches on it, the atmosphere got a little lighter again.

Sirius stretched out his arms: “Please, Prongs. Let me have him. I haven’t seen him in so long!”

“I thought you were too punk rock for babies, Black?” Lily teased, who was glad to know that there would always be someone to love Harry with all their heart in case something happened to James and her.

“Harry _is_ punk rock, aren’t you, mate?” Sirius said, grinning down at the little boy in his arms. Every time he saw that boy, he was completely taken aback with how much he resembled his father already. From the little patches of hair that stood up from his head like a mop, to the way the kid always squinted his eyes like a blind groundhog. He’d probably inherited James’s piss-poor eyesight.

Sirius could hear the others ramble on but the only thing saw and heard was Harry’s laugh when his sleepy eyes finally recognised his godfather.

“Uncle Pahfoo!” Harry giggled and reached for a strand of Sirius’ hair.

“Yeah, that’s me”, Sirius smiled. “Sleep well, little one?”

He spent the rest of the afternoon telling Harry everything that came to his mind. About how he’d finally fixed that stupid motorbike that had took him so long; about that awesome Queen concert he’d been to; about how life would be like when that bloody war would have finally stopped. About how much his parents, Uncle Moony, Uncle Wormy and he loved him; about how he and James would teach him how to fly a proper broom (Or rather how James would teach the two of them; he’d always been a rubbish flyer.).

Sometime after dinner and after Lily had put Harry to bed again, Moony yawned and stood up.

“Best be of now, guys. I’m still a bit exhausted from yesterday when my furry little problem visited…” he said, smiling apologetically.

“No problem, mate. It was good to see you”, James said and hugged Remus before going back on full “Mum friend” mode for the second time today. “You do take your potions regularly when you’re abroad, don’t you?”

“Sure, I do. See you guys at Sirius’ involuntary birthday party, right?” he said, winking at Sirius before hugging everyone goodbye.

Then, he went outside and they watched him from the window until he reached the apparating barriers and disappeared into the night.

“I think, I’ll also go home for tonight”, said Peter, emptying his glass.

“Actually, could that wait for just a sec? James and I wanted to talk to the two of you alone…?” Lily said, renewing the fire of the candle on the table with a flick of her wand, and sitting down next to her husband, who seemed rather nervous and started playing around with his glasses.

Sirius wasn’t sure what to expect now and upon looking up at Peter, he saw that the other one was just as confused as he was.

James put on his glasses again and put an arm around his wife.

“All right, lads. We thought – well, Lily and I, that is – that it would be rather dangerous to have you be our Secret Keeper, Paddy” he said straightforward. “We know that Voldemort knows that you and I have been friends since the day we met and he is not stupid. As soon as he’s realised we’re using a Fidelius Charm to hide, you’ll be his first guess to be our Secret Keeper and that puts you into great dan-“

“But I don’t care!” Sirius blurted out, interrupting James. He’d leant forward and looked James in the eye. “I _knew_ it was going to be dangerous. But I bloody swore that I’d protect the three of you for as good as I can. And if that means I’m going to die rushing to Harry’s help, then so be it! You guys are family and –“

“Yeah, exactly Paddy – family! Mate, don’t make me sound like I just walked out of Madam Puddifoot’s fucking tea shop but you’re the brother I never had and I couldn’t bear to lose you!” James shot back.

Sirius didn’t know how to argue against that and turned this head to hide how touched he was.

Peter had been sitting in his chair, sunken deeply into the upholstery, until James continued to talk.

“You know, Wormy. I’m not saying it wouldn’t be dangerous for you to take over that role but for now, nobody would suspect you. Everyone would just assume that Sirius were our Secret Keeper.”

“Peter would you…” Lily began, looking at him suppliantly. “Would you do that? Would you be our Secret Keeper?”

Peter’s eyes went big.

“Me? Why on earth would you choose me?” he asked quietly, completely taken aback.

“…Because you’re one of our closest friends, Wormy. Why wouldn’t we ask you?” James asked back earnestly.

“Please, Peter. You know we’d do the same for you” Lily said.

Sirius didn’t like this - at all. He’d managed to wipe away his thoughts from before but now they came back, flooding his mind. He felt bad for thinking ill about Wormy but then again, he remembered all the times he’d behaved so suspiciously over the course of the last few months. Where exactly _did_ he go whenever he said he was meeting friends? All of Peter’s friends Sirius knew were in the Order. Why did he always wear long shirts nowadays, even in summer when it had still been hot? Why did he change colour when being asked whether he had seen any suspicious people lately?

Sirius saw something shift in Peter’s mind and he begged Merlin for him to refuse to take the part of the Secret Keeper.

“You’re right, Lily” Peter said slowly, looking up _._ “If you two want me to, I’ll be happy to be your Secret Keeper. You know I’ll guard the secret of your whereabouts with my life”

Sirius felt something odd in the air, a strange feeling. Almost like fate being decided. It felt so wrong.

“Guys, please. Let’s think this through” Sirius begged. “Let’s not make a decision like this hastily!”

“But we didn’t, Paddy”, James said calmly. “Lily and I have been thinking about this an awful lot. It’s not that we don’t trust you. You know I’d trust you with my life, that’s why I chose you to be Secret Keeper in the first place. It’s just that Wormy won’t be suspected that easily, whereas you’d be on the bloody silver plate!”

“All right, lads”, Lily said. “Now that we’ve explained everything, I guess we can get started”

“You mean, you want to do this _right now_?!” Sirius asked aghast and confused at how fast all this new information had been thrust upon him.

Then it dawned on him…: “Wait, you want to do this without telling Moony before?”

“Well…” James began. “We intended not to tell him at all for now. You know how vulnerable he is. If they found him a few days before full moon and wanted to know any information, he wouldn’t survive they’re means of torture”

He looked at Peter and Sirius: “You know why we created the Marauder’s Map? The reason behind all of this was always to protect Moony, right guys. And that’s what we must do now as well. I know it doesn’t seem exactly…right not to tell him but…”

“All right, I get it”, Sirius mumbled, feeling extremely uncomfortable right now, watching this bizarre scene that played before his eyes, trying not to think about Remus being tortured.

“I think, if you really want to do this, do it now”, Peter said.

“Right you are, Peter”, Lily answered, offering a half-smile and a hand to Peter. Just as James wanted to start the incantation, Sirius remembered something:

“But you have told Dumbledore, right?” he blurted out and his question was followed by silence. “Right, guys?”

“Actually”, Lily said silently. “We thought it might be better to have as little people as possible know about the change. You know, so that it’s safer”

James tried to say the spells again but was interrupted by Sirius jumping to his feet abruptly and turning around.

He couldn’t watch this any longer. He felt sick and thought that if he didn’t get away from this surreal scene, he’d have to throw up right there and then.

“Sorry guys, I…I…just really need a smoke!” he managed to say before leaving the room hurriedly.

When he’d reached the far end of the narrow hallway, Sirius heard steps behind him and turned around. He couldn’t see a thing in the unlit corridor but he knew instinctively that it had to be James and was proven right when he heard a familiar voice whisper “ _Lumos_ ” into the dark before he saw a mop of unkempt hair and was met by the sight of big hazel eyes behind thick glasses.

“Sirius, mate” James said quietly. “What’s the matter with you?”

Sirius didn’t know how the bloody hell he should tell James about this without sounding disloyal to Peter or like a complete nutter.

“I’ve just…I’ve just got a really bad feeling about this” he said lamely, desperately trying to sound convincing.

“Sirius, we’ve known Wormy since First Year. He’s never let us down, right? I know these are brutal times and you don’t know who you can trust but what we do know is that we – the Marauders – can always trust _each other_ , can’t we?”, James said, attempting to calm him down. But Sirius couldn’t help that stubborn gut feeling.

“Why can’t we just –“, he began.

“…because I can’t, Paddy. I can’t let you stay Secret Keeper, knowing that it would be my fault if anything happened to you. We’ve already had this stupid sentimental shit a thousand times: Merlin, Paddy. I _can’t_. Remember that one night in Sixth Year when we were completely stoned and you said something totally mushy about us not being brothers by blood but brothers by choice? If anything happened to you, I’d go mental!”

“Yeah and I’d go mental if I couldn’t protect you guys. I’m telling you, Prongs, listen to me! There’s something wrong”

“Sorry, Paddy, I couldn’t sleep knowing we’d put you in such danger”

“So be it but you cannot ask me to watch you do this, mate. Tell Lily I was feeling ill and went home. I’ll see you at my birthday party. Night, Prongs!” Sirius snapped and turned to leave the house, leaving behind a completely confused James.

In hindsight, Sirius could have slapped himself for leaving. For leaving without hugging James and Lily and telling them how much they meant to him, without saying thank you to James for saving his life over and over again, for being a brother when he’d had no family left, for everything he’d ever done for him. He’d have told Harry how much he was loved, how much he’d always care about him. He’d have turned Peter in to Dumbledore but before that he’d have given the rat a decent punch like he deserved. There was so much that Sirius would have done if he had known what was to come – but he didn’t know and so he slammed the Potters’ door shut angrily and made for his flat.

xxx

31st of October, 1981

Peter sat in his room, like he had done all day. And the day before. And the one before that. Every time he had gotten up from his bed, readying himself to go outside to apparate, to get this over with, he had returned to his bedroom, sitting on the edge of his bed shakily, doing nothing but thinking all day long before the whole circle started again and he made for the door.

He didn’t want to do this. At all. But his left forearm had started to hurt; the Dark Mark was burning his skin. _He_ was waiting impatiently for new information. That was the only reason Peter was still alive: Because _he_ thought Peter to be useful. If he didn’t deliver any news…

Peter was scared, he was shaking worse than before, his breathing went shallow and he had to clutch his bedsheets in an attempt not to fall over. He didn’t want to die.

Rocking back and forth, he tried to calm himself, trying to ignore the ongoing pain that shot through his arm, higher up with every minute that passed, almost reaching his shoulder. He didn’t have a choice, right? Maybe _he_ wouldn’t kill Lily and James if he begged him not to. It was Harry whom he wanted to find after all. And maybe, maybe he could persuade him not to hurt the boy, maybe, if he begged him, the Dark Lord wouldn’t use a torturing curse on the poor boy, and maybe it’d be over really quick.

Because what else was there to do? It was his life against that of a baby, a child who had yet to make memories, who didn’t have friends yet.

 _James would understand, wouldn’t he?_ Peter thought to calm himself. _His biggest ambition had always been to protect his family and the marauders. And by saving myself, I am protecting a marauder, aren’t I. James would understand._

Trembling, he got up and when he lifted his head, he saw a picture of the four of them in First Year. He’d hung it there ten years ago on the first day of the summer holidays because he just couldn’t believe that he’d finally found a place where he belonged. He looked at his younger, chubbier self, tucked between James and Remus and with Sirius throwing his arms around the three of them from behind. They were smiling. They were happy. He looked at James, who had been quite small for an eleven year old and stick thin as if he didn’t eat like a whole troop of aurors. His glasses were askew and he pulled Peter closely to his side with one of his skinny arms.

Peter’s arm began to hurt again, this time the pain swept over him like a wave, bringing him to his knees. Tears streamed over his pale cheeks, both out of pain and fear of what was going to happen.

Before he left the house, he looked up at the old photograph again. Eleven-year-old James winked at him, smiling and looked behind him to Sirius, to his left to Remus and Peter and told them a long-since forgotten joke which had the other three boys laughing.

He touched the photograph gently with his shaking fingers.

“I’m sorry, Prongs” Peter said, his silent voice trembling, turning away, so he didn’t have to see that young boy’s smile, full of bliss and hope.

A moment later, he’d left the house and disapparated.

xxx

Sirius ran up and down the corridor. It had been three days since he’d last seen Lily and James. He couldn’t bear it any longer. He’d never really fought with James over anything (except for that stupid fight in sixth year) and the argument they’d had mad his stomach twist and turn.

He’d asked Remus about what to do, carefully avoiding questions on the matter of their argument. Remus had told him to just get it over with and tell James he was sorry. Surely, it couldn’t have been that big a fight.

Remus was right of course (He always was). But actually going there and apologising was harder than it sounded. Sirius had never been too great at expressing his feelings and apologising wasn’t something his biological parents had taught him, either.

But, he was going to do this. Today. Right now. Because he just couldn’t cope with this stupid argument for another day. He had to do this. He had to see Prongs, had to tell him how sorry he was for wrongly accusing Peter of being shady, had to tell him he was sorry for storming out in the dead of night without saying good bye.

Sirius took a big breath. He was going to do this; now! Sirius put on his leather jacket, grabbed his keys and stuck his wand into its usual spot into the bun at the back of his head.

As he kick-started his motorbike, he felt free, knowing in a few minutes time, everything would be back to normal. The bike rose up into the air and from up above he could make out little muggle children in fancy dresses, running around in the dark, collecting sweets. The wind had freed a few strands of his hair that whirled around his head and as he flew through the night, he thought that (under the given circumstances) he couldn’t be happier. He was going to fix this stupid fight.

Gleefully, he let out a joyous laugh and flew a few feet higher, starting to hum the melody of some _Queen_ song. He was in the middle of the guitar solo, when he reached Godrick’s Hollow. Slowly starting landing approach, he came nearer and nearer to the ground and drove two streets, before reaching the alley where Lily and James lived.

As he reached the house, he let out a scream, praying to Merlin that what he saw was not real. The Fidelius was broken. He sensed the lack of protective barriers that had surrounded the house. That wasn’t what had made him scream, however. Where once had been the living room, there was a huge hole in the wall. The whole garden was covered with brick stones and pieces of broken furniture.

When he finally managed to move again, Sirius got off his motorbike and carelessly let it fall onto the street. He pulled his wand out of his hair, just in case there was somebody there but the house felt empty as he closed the door behind himself.

 _Prongs? Lily?_ ,he wanted to ask but he didn’t dare to face the possibility of being greeted by silence so he didn’t say a word and just made his way through the hallway, trying not to trip over pieces of furniture, baby toys or whole fragments of walls that lay on the floor.

“ _Lumos_!” he breathed into the dark, as he reached the staircase. Though, when he finally could see properly, we wished with all his heart that he couldn’t and dropped weakly to his knees, next to a familiar figure that lay on the steps motionlessly.

This had to be a nightmare, there was no other explanation, Sirius concluded. He told himself that he’d just have to close his eyes and he’d wake up from this horror story. But he didn’t and when he opened his eyes, James Potter still lay on the floor, with a crack in his glasses, eyes wide open but looking nowhere.

“Prongs, don’t!” Sirius said lamely, starting to feel his cheeks getting wet. “Don’t do this. You bloody wake up, you hear me?!”

He reached for James’ head and slapped his cheek angrily. It was cold as ice.

“D-do you…think this is funny?” he sobbed, shaking his best friend’s bony shoulders, although he knew that James wouldn’t wake up, however hard he tried.

Lifting the lifeless form off the floor and clutching it to his chest, he sat on the stairs, rocking back and forth as if he were in trance, whispering _I’m sorry, Prongs. I’m fucking sorry…_ over and over again and shakily petting James’ mop of wild hair.

Looking back later, he couldn’t say how long he’d sat there but when he lay James’ body back onto the floor, he was still crying and he thought he’d be incapable of ever stopping.

He reached for James’ glasses, tapped them with his wand and whispered with a broken voice “ _Oculus Reparo_ ”. After he’d set them onto James’s nose, he collapsed onto James’ chest, unable to move, the only sound being his uncontrollable sobbing as he cried himself to sleep with one thought on his mind.

_I’m sorry I failed you, Prongs. I should have protected the three of you. It’s my bloody fault._

When he woke up, it was still night. His bones ached from lying on the stairs in an unnatural angle, pressed against another body and his throat and eyes hurt from crying.

The sound that had woken him seemed to come from the 1st floor; a miserable, long-stretched whimpering cry filled the night and Sirius got to his feet as fast as he could.

“Harry!” Sirius cried out and in spite of all the pain weighing on his chest, he felt as though he had been thrown a life vest in the ocean he was drowning in. When he thought he’d been left on his own, he could hear his godson’s voice. In that moment, this tiny baby’s scream seemed like the most beautiful sound to his ears. With a heavy heart he left James and ran up the stairs and into his godson’s nursery. Looking at the walls, Sirius saw that the one where the window had been, had broken down almost entirely and the floor was covered in debris and rubble. He coughed, as the wind sent a cloud of dust in his direction. When his vision had cleared a little he gasped at what he saw to his feet.

Lily, wearing a long once white nightdress, lay on the floor. Her dark red hair, her fair skin and the fabric of her nightie were coloured grey of all the dust and debris. Her eyes stared in Sirius direction, but didn’t see him – wouldn’t see anything ever again. Just like James’s, they were wide open with fear. He carefully picked her up, brushing dirt off her beautiful, terrified face with the fabric of his t-shirt, before carrying her down the hallway to her and James’s bedroom, laying her down on the right side of the bed, covering her with the sheets and petting her hair gently.

“I promise you, Lils” he said quietly, choking back new tears. “I promise I’ll do everything I can to look after your baby. I’ll treat him as if he were my own. You might think of me as reckless and irresponsible but I’ll never stop trying to be a better godfather. There won’t be a day where Harry doesn’t feel loved. He’ll always have a home with me.”

He clutched her frosty hand between his fingers.

“I _promise”_ he repeated hoarsely.

With a last look at Lily Potter, he made his way back to the nursery, where he was met by a sobbing Harry.

“There, there” Sirius tried to calm him, although he felt like crying himself. He took Harry out of his crib and clutched the boy to his chest. As he looked at his godson, he noticed a strangely shaped wound on the little boy’s forehead. It looked rather painful and he saw dark red blood already forming a crust around it. That would make a nasty scar. As he touched it lightly, he’d almost dropped the baby; the skin around the wound seemed to be radiating with dark magic!

“Mummy, Mummy!” whimpered the child and buried his tiny head in the crook of Sirius’ neck, hiding behind a curtain of the young man’s hair.

“I know, Harry” Sirius said, patting the baby’s back. “I want them back, too.”

But whatever Sirius said, Harry wouldn’t stop sobbing and Sirius couldn’t blame him. The only reason he tried to keep himself together was the tiny bundle in his arms.

“Hush little wizard, don’t say a word. Paddy’s gonna buy you a thunderbird…”he started to sing quietly, relieved as Harry stopped his weeping and listened to his godfather.

Around the time, Sirius had gone from feeling all the emotions from hurt and anger to pain and betrayal at once to feeling nothing at all, he was startled by loud footsteps in the entrance hall. Cradling a sleeping Harry in one arm and holding his wand in the other, he made his way downstairs, wincing at the sight of James.

He spied around the corner, only to see an unbelievably tall shadow standing in the door.

“’Ello? Who’s there? I can see ya!” a familiar, low-pitched voice growled.

Sirius stepped into the light of Hagrid’s not-so-legal umbrella.

“Merlin’s beard! Sirius, what’re ya doin’ ‘ere, boy?” Hagrid said.

“I just…I got here because I wanted to see them…and then, then I found…this!” Sirius cried and Hagrid threw an arm around Harry and him and almost crushed his rips trying to pat his back.

“How’s…how’s the kids?” Hagrid asked. “How’s Lily’n’James?”

Sirius shook his head tiredly. He just wanted to wake up and have this nightmare be over.

The older man gulped hard as if he were on the verge of tears.

“But they’re jus’ kids!” Hagrid sobbed. “They’re twen’y-one!”

Precisely. Why couldn’t they just leave them alone and let them be the kids they were. They should be throwing a Halloween party now, just like any other group of friends at the beginning of their twenties. He shouldn’t be standing alone in a fucking heap of ruins, having to mourn his best friends.

“Why’re you here, Hagrid?” Sirius managed to choke out, manically running his fingers through Harry’s hair.

“Professor Dumbledore sent me ter get the li’l tyke” Hagrid answered.

Sirius fell to his knees and clutched the sleeping baby even tighter as pale moonlight made its way onto the dirty floor.

“ _No_!” he whispered, silent tears running down his cheeks. “Please, Hagrid. Please, don’t take him away from me. I’ve had so much taken away from me today, already!”

“There, there, boy. C’mere!” Hagrid muttered, seemingly overcharged with a crying Sirius. “See it’ll only be fer the night. I’m sure ya can come pick ‘im up tomorrow but in the state yer in, ya can’t care fer a baby”

After a few moments, Sirius nodded. He kissed Harry’s forehead, trying not to touch the wound that was already scarring.

“I’ll pick you up tomorrow. Till then, Hagrid and MinnieMcG are gonna look after you, mate. But don’t think you can get rid of me that easily. Uncle Paddy will be back before you’ve even noticed he was gone”

He patted Harry’s hair gently and said: “I love you, little tyke. But you know that anyway.”

Then, he handed the sleeping baby over to Hagrid and looked the older man straight into the eye.

“You’ll look after him for me till I’m back, right?” Sirius said.

“’Course I will. Till he’s sleepin’ safely in your arms again” Hagrid promised.

Sirius wanted to turn around again before remembering something. He picked up his wand from where he’d dropped it onto the floor and said: “ _Accio Marauders_ ”

Four tiny plush animals flew out of the nursery and down the stairs: a little dog, a wolf, a rat and a stag. Sirius took the rat and looked at it with disgust, before letting it fall to the floor. The other three, he gave to Hagrid.

“He’s got trouble falling asleep without them” he explained silently and ran a hand over his tired face. “There’s a motorbike out there. It’s mine. Please use it to get Harry out of here safely. It’s enchanted, you know. It can fly now and I’ve tuned it a little; it should get you out of this place in no time”

“Cheers, boy” Hagrid said. “Yer a good lad, Sirius, ya know that?”

“See you tomorrow, Hagrid” Sirius said, smiling weakly.

“See ya” Hagrid answered. “Shall I drop ya off sumwhere?

Sirius shook his head and Hagrid understood. Sirius needed to stay. Just for a little while longer.

The door was slammed shut and Sirius was alone again - alone with his pain and hurt. He sat down next to James’ body on the foot of the stairs.

“What am I gonna do, mate?” Sirius asked hopelessly. He imagined James grinning crookedly, throwing an arm around Sirius shoulders and telling him to quit worrying. It made his stomach turn and he felt more desperate than he had ever before in his life.

“Honestly, Prongsie. What am I even gonna do now? Y-you were the person that showed me what family was. I-I didn’t, I didn’t even know before I’d met you! You’ve saved my life countless times. You saved me from my mother, my father, the ministry, from bullies and from death eaters. Merlin, James! You even saved me from myself! Why didn’t you let me save you for once?!”

But James didn’t answer and finally, the realisation that he wouldn’t ever again, crept into Sirius’ mind. He started trembling more intensely than he ever had before and he couldn’t stop. His legs and his arms were convulsing and he thought that maybe this was what Madam Promfrey would have described as symptoms of shock. After attempting to do so four times, he reached for the pocket of his leather jacket, drawing out a pack of smokes. His shaky fingers barely managed to grab one of the cigarettes.

After he’d lit it with a flick of his wand, he just sat there in this ruins of what used to be the staircase, in the ruins of what used to be his life. He took a few drags of his cigarette before he let his head drop forward. Everything he had built his life upon, was gone. He’d lost his little brother to a bunch of racist tossers; his best mate and his wife were gone, too. So were Mr and Mrs Potter, the people that had been better parents to him than his biological ones ever had been. And he still couldn’t believe the obvious: Peter, his other best mate had betrayed them. In the worst way possible. He felt rage creep up to his head. Had it not been for Peter, he’d be staying on James’ sofa now, they’d have said sorry to each other and everything would be all right again. But it wasn’t. It would never be all right ever again.

Now, he’d have to look after Moony without the help of the others, whilst caring for a tiny baby. The three of them would have to cope with what they’d lost.

He envied Moony right now. He was yet to know of what had happened, the lucky bloke. He wanted to see him, wanted to not feel as lonely as he did right now. But he couldn’t get himself to leave. Not just yet.

He let himself sink back onto the stairs, grabbing hold of James’ wrist and finishing his cigarette. He felt desperately wished for James to grab back and felt like crying when he didn’t. But although he wanted to, he couldn’t. There were simply no tears left inside of him.

When he’d finished his cigarette, he threw the butt somewhere between the ashes and simply lay there, listening to the sound of his breathing and to the sound of the breathing that wasn’t there beside him.

When there was a noise at the door, he jerked up, drawing out his wand. The moonlight made its way into the destroyed hallway and in its shadow, Sirius could make out a young man’s silhouette, shaking as he staggered over the threshold.

Up until now, Sirius hadn’t thought about the fourth marauder. But now, as he was standing right in front of him he felt nothing but boiling hot anger pulse through his head and he could feel his face form a grimace of utter rage, forcing his eyes to squint and the muscles in his neck to twitch in an uncontrollable rhythm. Unable to stop himself, he fast forward, pinning Peter against the wall, ignoring the other man’s silent tears that came cascading down the chubby cheeks. Keeping his left hand firmly clasped around Peter’s neck, Sirius lifted his other arm and pointed his wand at his former best friend. In that moment, he felt nothing but despise as he looked into Peter’s eyes that were wide with fear and disbelief. He wanted to end this. Wanted to make this unworthy rat wish that he’d never been born and curse the day he met him.

“HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?!” he screamed with what little voice he had left. “HE WAS OUR BROTHER! HARRY WILL GROW UP AN ORPHAN AND YOU ARE THE ONE TO BLAME!”

“Don’t you feel any shame, you filthy rat?!” he spat and turned his head so that he wouldn’t have to look into the face that had cost him his whole life.

But when he looked back into Peter’s pale face, he saw not only the man who murdered their family but he saw the boy who would make way too milky teas for Sirius whenever he was sad, who was the perfect listener and would stay up all night if needed - the boy whom he had once considered a brother, whom he would have defended with his life.

Slowly he lowered his wand and let it drop to the floor and started sobbing. Exhaustedly, he let his head sink onto Peter’s shoulder and he held onto him for dear life, praying to Merlin for him to tell him that all of this wasn’t true and that he’d never do something like that.

“How could you do this?“ he repeated tiredly. Peter said nothing but when he did, Sirius had to realise that this was not the Peter he’d known. That Peter was gone.

“You realise that the ministry will be here as soon as Dumbledore informs them which should be any minute” Peter said and all the fear and shock had disappeared and been replaced by coldness. “They will be looking for a traitor”

Sirius wanted him to shut up. He wanted the world to shut up. He was way too tired to care about what Peter had to say. All he wanted was to fall asleep and for this nightmare to be over when he woke up.

“Yes, and that is you”, he hissed silently, too exhausted to execute his plans to finish the filthy traitor off. He tried to make a move for his wand but Peter looked at him with an emotionless expression and threw him against the door with a flick of his own wand.

Peter showed a little smile that Sirius had never seen on the other man ever before. It was a knowing smile.

“I am” he said. “But you’re the only one who knows that, aren’t  you? Whom do you think they’ll believe? The poor little guy who wanted to visit his friends on Halloween or the sleep deprived maniac with the torn shirt, covered in blood and debris from the crime scene? Look at yourself, Black. You won’t stand a chance!”

Sirius paled and his knees started trembling. He held onto a piece of broken furniture to steady himself. What did Peter actually want? Had he not already taken every bloody thing that had made up the life Sirius had tried to build?

“Oh, Sirius. I’m terribly, terribly sorry but there’s no way around it” Peter grinned. “Everyone knows how reckless you can be, that you’re prone to lose your temper easily. And although you’ve always been her little favourite, even McGonnagall will have to admit that”

“Peter” Sirius breathed, shaking his head manically. “What..?”

“Oh come on, Black! They’ll look at your surname and the case will be closed. Wouldn’t be the first time a young Black has been corrupted by his family’s past. They won’t even wonder…”

“But…you can’t do this, Peter!” Sirius said, pulling himself together with the last power he had left inside. “You won’t ge away with this! There’s no evidence connected to me!”

“I know. But what if you weren’t just a traitor? What if you weren’t just a murderer? What if you’d have killed defenceless poor little Peter Pettigrew and all the innocent muggles in the streets?” Peter said, seemingly proud of his glorious little plan and made for the door.

“No!” Sirius yelled, still shaking his head wildly and staggered after him.

He heard the screams before he reached the door and stepped into the moonlight. When he stumbled down the doorsteps, he collapsed at the horrifying sight that was being presented to him. Over a dozen muggles were lying motionlessly on the stone cold pavement, pieces of the street had been blown up and left craters the size of bludgers. And amidst all the destruction stood Peter, grinning maniacally, holding his wand up into the air and screaming: “Oh and the worst part, Black, the worst part was how you killed poor me! You hacked me into pieces! Into pieces so tiny that the only thing they found was a finger - only a finger!”

And using his wand, he cut off a finger, transformed into his animagus form and disappeared into the night.

***

It was loud, there were voices screaming. He was being yanked to his feet painfully and shaken by his shoulders. His head was throbbing and everything was blurry and foggy and he heard all the noise but couldn’t understand and he saw all the colours but couldn’t comprehend the picture.

Suddenly the hands were gone and the grass was there, merely inches before his face and his nose hurt and he could taste the blood on his tongue but he didn’t remember falling. He was pulled up again and there was a wizard in front of him, waving and snapping his fingers but he didn’t know who that was and there was blood on his face and he tried to wipe it off but then there was blood on his hands and his breathing went faster and faster but he couldn’t take in the air.

The wizard still yelled at him and finally he was able to understand fragments of what he was saying.

“Are you Sirius Orion Black?!”

And he wanted to say yes but he couldn’t and he wanted to tell them everything but he couldn’t and he wanted to scream but he didn’t know where his voice had gone so he nodded and then it felt as though he was apparating and then someone thrust a card into his hand and then there was the flash of a camera.

And everything went colder and colder.

And then there were hands, pulling off his jacket and shirt and trousers and it was getting colder and then there were new clothes but they were cold and scratchy and then he was thrown somewhere against a stone wall and he fell and his ankle hurt and it was getting colder and colder. And there was the sound of metal bars being shut and it was getting colder and colder and he crawled into the corner but the cold caught up with him and he still couldn’t see, couldn’t scream but he saw Lily dead on the floor and James’ lifeless body on the stairs and he saw Reg with his the Dark Mark burnt onto his arm and he saw Harry, alone in his crib, crying and Remus transforming into the wolf and screaming with pain.

And it was still getting colder and colder but he still couldn’t scream.

And then James again, lying on the stairs, not breathing. And his chest was heavy because something was keeping him from breathing and the air was icy and every time he tried to inhale it hurt.

And it was getting colder and colder and the cold crept into every single last cell of his body and he was shaking and couldn’t control himself. And he didn’t know where he was and he didn’t know who he was and it was getting colder and colder.

Breathe in, pain, cold, ice, breathe out, cold, pain, hurt, tears.

Dark.

 

    

 

 

 

  

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed this! :D Thanks so much for reading  
> Please leave me a comment, it really means the world to me! <3  
> cheersxxx


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